5 Tips for Getting "In the Mood"

improve your sex life with these tips

Something happens when you’ve been with the same person for a really long time.  Even if you still like them a lot, you may find that you’re just not that into having sex with them… or so you think. You might be busy with work, you may be worried about those extra ten pounds, or the kids are clamoring for attention and knocking on the bedroom door at inopportune moments. There are plenty of excuses not to have sex if you want to make excuses.

The truth is that it’s probably not about any of those excuses. The fact is that even though Dulce de Leche from Haagen Dazs is your all-time favorite ice cream, some days you want Chocolate Fudge Brownie from Ben and Jerry’s instead. Nobody’s going to accuse you of cheating on your ice cream, but if you want a different flavor in your relationship, you’ll raise some eyebrows. The truth is that no matter how great your partner is, you have to mix things up to keep sex exciting. It’s just how humans are wired. Many different studies have shown that humans are naturally monogamous for somewhere between three and seven years. Beyond that, monogamy is a choice. 

Related: 3 Biggest Mistakes Women Make in Bed

It’s also a lot of work, in my experience. Part of the reason it’s a lot of work is because we cling to the illusion that when we love someone, we’ll always remain “in love” with them. We think we’re supposed to maintain that initial blush of lust throughout all the years of our relationship. It just doesn’t happen that way, but we believe the fairy tale and think that if we have to put effort into it, there’s something wrong.

Even for men, who are generally more interested in having sex and require less of a connection to get it on, being in a long term relationship can stifle the desire to have sex (at least with your current partner). There’s a chemical reason for this, but that doesn’t mean that good sex has to go by the wayside once you’re in a committed relationship.

A deeper love bond forms over time, especially when both partners commit to being conscious in the relationship. It takes a lot of work, but it’s worth it. It takes a commitment to communicate openly and honestly, to look at all aspects of yourself and try to be your best in each moment, and it takes a commitment to engage in the physical aspects of the relationship.

Related: Sex: What He Really Wants (And Is Afraid to Ask For)

With busy schedules, you might have to schedule time for sex, but that doesn’t mean it has to be boring. You might not be in the mood when you start, but a funny thing happens along the way. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. The hormones that are dormant when you’re not having regular orgasms start flowing again. The body remembers how good it feels and wants more. However, it still takes work. Having the same kind of sex the same time and day and the same way every time is almost as bad as not having it at all.

Mix it up a little to keep those creative and sexual juices flowing. Here are some ideas.

5 Tips for Getting "In the Mood":

1. Watch a sexy movie. Consider watching a sexy film together-- or if you’re feeling really adventurous, watch some pornography together. There’s a wide gamut of styles, from female friendly, soft core porn all the way to bondage and fetish styles. Studies have shown that merely watching a sexy scene increases the flow of blood to the genitals, which is the beginning of sexual arousal. 

2. Make love somewhere other than the bedroom. Variety is the spice of life, and it adds flavor even after the fact. If you have hot sex on the couch, chances are you’ll be reminded of that the next several times you look at said couch. The mere memory of a good sexy time will make you want more.

Related: Stepping Out of Your Sexual Comfort Zone

3. Text each other or leave little notes that say what you’d like to do or have done to you. You don’t have do be full on sexting, even just an insinuation is enough to get the juices flowing. Plus, it’ll give you something to look forward to at the end of the day.

4. Act out a fantasy. The most common fantasies involve a reversal of power (think “naughty nurse”) and strangers being irresistibly attracted to each other. If you want to be really adventurous and take your fantasy outside, you might try going out and pretending you don’t know each other. You meet for the first time and strike up a conversation. Who knows what might happen from there?

5. Make a pact to NOT have intercourse, and then explore all the sexy things you can do within the pact. You can start with a sensual massage, and spend some time touching new erogenous zones like the back of the knees, inner thighs, and the nape of the neck. Don’t worry if you decide to break the pact!

One final point: if you’re not having enough sex, do something about it. Take the initiative to start the ball rolling. Sometimes all it takes is an invitation. You are responsible for your own sexual pleasure. Learn how your body works and what it responds to, then share what you know. Have fun practicing!

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Johanna Lyman is a published author, an internationally known speaker and teacher, and a Spiritual Love Coach.  She is a certified life coach (CCUG) trained by CoachUniversity. Johanna combines personal experience and esoteric studies in a humorous, practical and accessible style that empowers her clients to live the fullest expression of their lives.

Her business is Romance Recovery: Whether You Stay or Go:  Do It With Courage, Clarity and Ease www.romancerecovery.com.  She can be reached at Johanna@romancerecovery.com.

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