A child can think she knows what her strengths and weaknesses are, but these perceptions are only useful if they are accurate. Without a reality check, children can develop inaccurate, and often inflated, perceptions of themselves. These distortions can be about their perceived abilities, effort, potential, or goals. Self-reflection can teach children to test the perceptions they hold about themselves so that they can choose a path that is consistent with their actual strengths and weaknesses.

There are a number of reasons why children develop erroneous beliefs about themselves. Children may inadvertently distort reality because they have little experience on which to base their judgments. They form their impressions on what information they have available. For example, a child in a painting class is complimented by her teacher and doesn't hear the teacher also commend other students. Based on this limited information, the child comes to believe that she is more artistically talented than the other students.

Children often base their perceptions about themselves on comparisons with their peers. If they are better than their peers at something, they may come to believe that they are talented despite the fact that their peers may not accurately reflect a high standard of ability.

Children may develop misperceptions about the level of required effort. With little experience, children do not typically know what can be considered significant effort. Most commonly, when children begin to feel discomfort, they believe that they have worked hard enough despite the fact that their efforts may be far from adequate. They may also look to more successful achievers to gauge the effort that is needed to be successful. Unfortunately, effort is not easy to judge: Everyone sees the successes of Michael Jordan, Yo-Yo Ma, and Mikhail Baryshnikov, but few saw the many years of intense effort they put in to reach such high levels of achievement.

Children may develop inaccurate perceptions of themselves as a means of bolstering their self-esteem. By believing that they are more talented and hard working than they actually are, children can, at least temporarily, enhance their overall belief about themselves. Parents, too, may believe that these impressions will build their children's self esteem. Most parents also want to believe that their children are gifted and special, so they sometimes delude themselves and their children into believing these overestimations.

Overstatements can have some immediate benefits for children by increasing their confidence. Yet there are dangers to these inflated impressions. These perceptions can reduce motivation to work hard and persist because children's inflated views of their abilities may allow them to believe that their talents will lead them to success and that they don't need to work hard to succeed. They may also not be compelled to direct their fullest focus and energy into their achievement efforts.

The long-term effect of these false judgments occurs at two levels. First, a child's progress will be slowed because of the overstated perceptions of ability and effort. With little effort put into their achievement activities, children will show little improvement and their progress will stagnate. Second, and more important, when children who have been misled about their abilities are ultimately forced to face the inaccuracy of those beliefs—the big fish in the small pond syndrome— the experience can be traumatic. Inflated self-perceptions can lead to frustration, anger, and sadness when children are confronted with these realities. Children can come to associate the whole idea of achievement in general with these negative emotions and, because they feel bad most of the time, children will want to avoid achieving anything.

Appropriate understanding of the levels of ability and effort that are required to succeed in an achievement area enables children to accurately assess their current ability and their long-term promise. It also allows them to make informed decisions about their aspirations, effort, and future involvement in the activity. This doesn't mean that a child should drop out of an achievement activity because he is not enormously gifted in it. Not every child can be a star in an activity, but every child can reap great benefits from vigorous participation. The positive experiences gained from committed involvement—regardless of the absolute level of success they attain—provide children with great enjoyment and satisfaction and offer invaluable lessons that they can use in other parts of their lives.

The accuracy of children's self-perceptions also influences the emotions that they attach to their achievement efforts. Children who hold inaccurate beliefs about their capabilities will have expectations that are out of proportion to their true abilities. When they participate in their achievement activities, success is unlikely because of their unrealistic expectations. The accompanying failure will be emotionally devastating to them because they will perform far below what they thought themselves capable of, however out of reach that may be in reality.

Children who have a realistic understanding of their abilities will have a healthy balance of emotions relating to their achievement participation. Because they have an accurate impression of their capabilities, these children will experience success most of the time and will feel joy and excitement with their efforts. At the same time, the inevitable setbacks and failures that they experience will not be overwhelming. Though these children will naturally feel some disappointment and frustration, unsuccessful experiences will not elicit unreasonable pain and sadness. Because the preponderance of emotions associated with achievement is positive, children will learn from their successes and their failures, and use both to their benefit in future achievement activities.

Because your child has little experience on which to base her perceptions, you can act as an important guide in assisting her in reality testing her perceptions. You can initiate a dialogue in which you ask your child about how she perceives herself, compare her beliefs with what you believe to be true, and, if inaccurate, guide your child toward more realistic perceptions. Questions you should ask: How well did you perform today? How good do you think you are? How much effort do you put in? How much fun do you have? What are your goals? You can also listen to your child's offhand remarks—"I'm going to be the next Sarah Chang"—and observe her talent and efforts to see if they are consistent with her goals.

Your child's reflection on her abilities, effort, promise, and aspirations actually begin with your own reflection on your child's capabilities. You will have difficulty helping your child to reality test if your own perceptions are distorted. Many parents find it difficult to admit that their child is not the brightest and most gifted. The first time she kicks a soccer ball, she is the next Mia Hamm. The first time he throws a football, he is the next Joe Montana. You need to reality test your own beliefs about your child. If you lack the expertise to objectively assess your child's abilities, efforts, and goals, you should seek out teachers, instructors, and coaches to help you make realistic judgments about your child's capabilities.