We have all seen the growing numbers of kids struggling with anger, bullying and lack of motivation. I’ll bet there is not one parent who hasn’t seen these behaviors blamed on too much television, exposure to excessive violence, or lack of religious upbringing. Certainly, these factors don’t help. Its also a mystery to me how we can live in an age with such a wealth of abundant information on how to parent. How To Parent Your Fetus, How To Parent Your Newborn, How To Parent Your Infant, Child, Toddler..the list goes on and on. We know how to do every aspect of parenting in three easy steps, ten easy steps or twenty skills to success. All of this information is the result of the growing interest in truly making a difference in our children’s lives. We know the causes of all the ills that plague our society and our kids. Now we are just looking for a real answer to raising kids with the character and moral integrity critical for success. This answer lies in the way we interact with our kids, not the kinds of things we DO for them.

Somehow, I have a suspicion there is one parenting skill going largely ignored. Nothing in any of these wonderful and inspiring books can replace a parent who is actively involved in their kids’ lives. Every parent can breathe a sigh of relief now. After all, we ARE involved, aren’t we? Today we are seeing an overwhelming trend toward parent’s who are so involved they must attend every game, every rehearsal, every party in this noble desire to be part of their kids’ lives. We also see parents who are once again learning every aspect of the curriculum of a grade school student, once again illustrating their desire to be a part of their kids’ lives.

The only problem with this current trend is that in an attempt to make our kids feel "loved" and "valued" we have abandoned the art of parenting; those invaluable skills essential to building character and moral integrity in children. Oddly, it doesn’t come from the activities in which they participate. Certainly, many great qualities do! However, we are really talking about a child’s ability to empathize, care, be generous and unselfish, develop trust and a sense of responsibility, as well as a sense of respect and fairness. These qualities, according to Dr. Michele Borba, author of Parents Do Make A Difference, Jossey Bass 1999, are a direct result of positive role modeling from a child’s parents, teachers and caregivers on a daily basis. The skills a parent teaches a child from their small interactions each day are critical to that child’s ability to develop these qualities.

My husband and I have two girls under five. We work on building character by helping them communicate directly with each other about how they feel about one another during hurtful moments, rather than us intervening. By focusing their attention on how they’re feeling and how they are making the other feel, they are learning empathy and caring. They learn responsibility through small chores that all kids can do from the time they are eighteen months. By giving them appropriate activities they can handle we instill a strong sense of accomplishment, without overwhelming them or avoiding giving them any chores due to their age. The goal is to always help them see the impact they can have on the world around them and make positive choices because of that knowledge.

There are many skills we can teach our kids to enhance their character and moral integrity. Mostly, we just have to remember, WE are the parents. They are looking for our guidance and our strength. They do not need friendship from their mom and dad. They need to discover their best selves. The way to do this is to remember our most important job is to be their teachers and counselors and role models in little ways, every day!