Oh Those Toddler Tweens!

By Cheryl Dellasega, PhD
Author of nugrl90 and Girl Wars: Twelve Strategies That Will End Female Bullying and Surviving Ophelia



“My daughter Patrice is driving me nuts. I never know what to expect from her: giggles or sobs. One day she burst into tears the second she was through the door from school because she claimed no one in the entire sixth grade liked her. Before we could discuss this the phone rang; within minutes she was laughing hysterically at something the caller was telling her and promising to attend a sleepover. When she hung up, I said cheerfully, ‘See! You do have friends!’ Without a word, she gave me a look of absolute disdain, stomped up to her bedroom, and slammed the door.”

My friend Olivia was distraught over her relationship with her daughter, which seemed suddenly transformed from agreeable to argumentative. While some of Patrice’s behavior might qualify her for a psychiatric diagnosis, studies have shown that adolescents can score nearly suicidal on a scale of depression one hour, and be completely normal the next. Unfortunately, moms like Olivia, who can be in the midst of their own hormonal ups and downs, find it hard to shift from smiles to sulks and back again. Harder still is being the target of a daughter’s venom, but experts suggest that negativity toward mom is an outward sign of the inner ambivalence girls feel toward pending womanhood.

Patrice’s verbal bombs are more often a tension release for her than a personal attack on mom. Much like a toddler, adolescent girls may seem to venture forth with confidence and aplomb, but they still check back to make sure mom is close by. Those emotional barbs lobbed your way may be an attempt to gauge how aware you are of her behavior.

New research reveals that the adolescent brain develops much differently than originally thought, undergoing intense growth in the frontal cortex where the center for impulse control and decision making is located. These spurts in growth can lead to astounding changes in behavior, both good and bad. Girls who appear to be developing quite normally can make serious judgment errors on impulse, ending up pregnant or worse. As her mother, you see this all too clearly, but like those adorable two year olds, tweens and teens are often unaware of their own limits.

Like two year olds, tween and teen girls are also discovering connections with their peers can be fun. In fact, the only thing that might seem more important to an adolescent girl than herself is her friends. These are more likely than not to change from year to year, but being “replaced” by a friend, even if temporary, can bewilder, infuriate, and sadden moms. Women who vowed that things would be “different” when they became mothers suddenly find the same scenario they acted out in their teen years repeating: mom knows nothing, while friends know everything.

This hurt of feeling you are being replaced can coexist with a sense of loss, as you long to regain the closeness you shared with her daughter only a short time earlier. (Think back—that shift from sleepy infant to independent toddler was also a bittersweet transition.) Nonetheless, the realization that your daughter doesn’t need you in quite the same ways as she did in years gone by can feel like a negation of a role you worked long and hard to perfect.

Relax—mothers are still one of the most important influences in a girl’s life, whether your daughter is two or twenty. You are the stable ground as she goes through the many challenges of growing up, and whether she retreats there often or just keeps in sight, know that her radar will always seek you out.

Cheryl Dellasega, PhD, is a faculty in the College of Medicine at Penn State University, and the author of Forced to be Family (Wiley, 2005), nugrl90 (Marshall Cavendish, 2007), Mean Girls Grown Up (Wiley, 2005), The Starving Family (Champion Press, 2005), Girl Wars: Twelve Strategies That Will End Female Bullying (Fireside, 2003) and Surviving Ophelia (Perseus Publishing, 2001; Ballentine, 2002). She is also the founder of Club Opehlia, an afterschool program for girls.