No More Logical Consequences -- At Least Hardly Ever! Focus On Solution

For years I have taught parents and teachers about using logical consequences. However, their examples of the consequences they used sounded more like punishment to me. In an attempt to rectify this situation I created the Three Rs of Logical Consequences, in the hopes that these guidelines would stop the punishment.

The Three Rs of Logical Consequence
1) Related
2) Respectful
3) Reasonable

Suppose a child refuses to pick up her toys. Grounding, withdrawal of privileges, time-out, lectures, or any other kind of punishment is not related, reasonable, nor respectful. A related and reasonable consequence might be for the parent to put the toys on a high shelf for a week—letting the child know that she can have them back as soon as she is ready to be responsible for her toys. This would be respectful only if the parent is both kind and firm at the same time and avoids lectures and humiliation. In the future, the parent could offer a choice, “Would you like to pick up your toys, or would you like me to put them on the high shelf?”

This is also an example of using the formula: privilege = responsibility. If you don’t want the responsibility, you lose the privilege. When this formula is enforced kindly and firmly, it represents an effective logical consequence. This is why I include “hardly ever” when I suggest “no more logical consequences.”

The problem with logical consequences is that most parents and teachers still try to disguise punishment by calling it a logical consequence. Punishment by any other name is still punishment—and it is not effective.

Another problem with logical consequences is that many parents and teachers act as though it is the only tool in their discipline toolbox. Over and over I would hear, “What would a logical consequence be for ___________ (any problem you can think of.)” I would tell them that if a related solution isn’t obvious, a consequence is not appropriate. The use of the word “solution” should have been my first clue to the epiphany I had a few years later while visiting a class meeting.

During this class meeting the kids were brainstorming for a consequence for a student who had been tardy. As I listened to their “consequences” they sounded more like punishments to me. I interrupted the meeting and said, “What do you think would happen if you stopped focusing on a consequence and instead focused on a solution?” It was amazing. All of their suggestions were very related, respectful and helpful. It was then that I decided, “No more logical consequences—at least hardly ever. Focus on solutions.”

Parents need to remember that the most important thing they can do is create a positive relationship with their children. Punishment (even when poorly disguised as consequences) creates power struggles. Curiosity questions are an excellent way to help children explore the consequences of their choices instead of imposing consequences on them, and build a positive relationship at the same time—as in the following example.

My daughter came home and announced that she wanted to get drunk at her 8th grade graduation party. Instead of saying, "Oh no you won't, young lady. You are grounded." I used curiosity questions:

"Tell me more. Why are you thinking of doing that?"

Mary replied, "Other kids do it and it looks like they are having fun."

I continued asking, "What do your friends say about you because you don't drink?"
Mary thought about this and said, "They are always telling me how much they admire me and how proud they are of me."

I then asked, "What do you think they say after you get drunk?"

"Hmmm," she said, "They'll probably be disappointed."

"And," I asked, "How will you feel about yourself?" Again, she took a few seconds to think about this before replying, "I'll probably feel like a loser. I guess I won't do it."

This example illustrates how curiosity questions help children think things through for themselves—a valuable life skill—while building a positive relationship where children know they can come to you and share their thoughts and feelings.

When I started sharing the concept of no more logical consequences—at least hardly ever, many parents and teachers enjoyed fantastic results. One parent said, “I can’t believe how many power struggles I created by trying to impose ‘logical consequences’. We have so much more peace in our home now that we focus on solutions. And I love it that my children are learning to focus on solutions.”

Dr. Jane Nelsen is the author and co-author of 17 books including the best selling (over two million sold) Positive Discipline series including Positive Discipline For Preschoolers, Positive Discipline For Teenagers, and Positive Discipline: A - Z. Jane claims her formal education is secondary to the education and experience she achieved from her successes and failures as a mother of seven children (and 18 grandchildren). She now shares this wealth of knowledge and experience as a popular keynote speaker and workshop leader throughout the country. She has appeared on Oprah, Sally Jessy Raphael, and Twin Cities Live, CBS This Morning, and is quoted often in popular parenting magazines. For more information visit www.positivediscipline.com.