Tip #1: Don’t criticize; make a simple request.
Criticism only makes things worse, because your man will feel ashamed for not measuring up. Men who are ashamed will either tune out or lash out, and you don't want either. Turn your criticism into a request for something different. Make it personal, loving, and specific--and tell him how much the new behavior would mean to you. Then back off and give him room to deliver--never hover around waiting for the changes you want.
Tip #2: Never ask a man to have an exploratory discussion about "the relationship".
Men hate exploratory relationship talks, because they believe they don't have the language or insights to talk in a successful way about your relationship. They figure if you want something different you'll tell them. And, never ask a man how he thinks the relationship is going; he simply won't know the answer, but he’ll feel on the hot seat to come up with one! What’s the alternative? See Tip #1: Make a simple request. And, if you don’t know what you want or need, talk with someone else until your need can be voiced as a specific request.
Tip #3: If you want your man to do something, ask him to help you solve a problem or take on a challenge.
Men love to be heroes, performers of important, worthwhile challenges, and they love to solve problems, especially if their loved-ones recognize their accomplishments. The catch is that the tasks can't simply be items on your "honey-do" list. A man has to actively take on a challenge and throw himself into it, whether it's fixing your computer or painting the picnic table. State your problem or issue as a “How To”—e.g.,“I’d like your help to figure out how to spend some more time together on the weekends.”
MARTY FRIEDMAN is the author of Straight Talk for Men About Marriage : What Men Need to Know about Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men). Before tackling male/female relationship issues, Marty spent twenty-five years as a speaker and management consultant to corporate leaders across the U.S., Europe and Japan. He has also written numerous articles, books and manuals about management, communication and relationship skills. He is also regularly interviewed on radio and television, and speaks to organizations about communication, men, relationships and marriage. Find out more about Marty's work at www.meninmarriage.com.
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