Six Friendship Flubs -- and How to Fix Them

By Nancy Rue
Author of Girl Politics: Friends, Cliques and Really Mean Chicks and Body Talk



They have whole conversations from opposite sides of the room without saying a word. They tell each other things they wouldn’t dream of sharing with anyone else. They are Best Friends Forever -- and they bring back giggly memories of your own BFF.

You may also remember the not-so-sacred moments when somebody flubbed up and nearly sent the friendship to an early grave. They’re bound to happen to your daughter, too, but a heads-up from you can help her fix father than fail with her own BFF.

Flub #1: The Rumor Tumor
Gossip gets everyone leaning in, eyes and ears wide, and the “news” that becomes juicer and more false with the telling. Lies are spread. Feelings are wounded. Reputations are ruined.

How to fix it: Teach your daughter to ask two important questions when a rumor pops up and to obey the STOP signs. Is the rumor true, she should ask? If not, STOP. Say no more. Change the subject. Walk away. If it’s true, she needs to ask, will the subject of the rumor be helped if I pass it on? If not, STOP. If so, tell someone who can actually help her, not the entire sixth grade. (And, uh, check your own penchant for delicious gossip, Mom)

Flub #2: The Boots and the Doormat
One friend always gets her way and rules the friendship, while the other agrees to everything. Resentment builds. The equality vital to a relationship disappears.

How to fix it: Show your daughter that whether she’s the Boots or the Doormat, she needs to be assertive, rather than aggressive or submissive. Role play saying what she wants, needs or thinks in a firm, polite way, showing respect and making decisions together. (And, Mom, be careful how you treat her and how you let her treat other members of the family)

Flub #2: The Mind-Reading Game
Friends expects each other to know what they’re thinking and feeling without having to say anything, as if being best friends means they can see into each other’s brains. Unreasonable expectations build. Important issues aren’t talked out.

How to fix it: Explain to your daughter that even people who’ve been married for years can’t read each other’s minds (and be sure you aren’t modeling that expectation!) Experiment together with expressing feelings. Advise her not to tell everybody but her BFF what’s bothering her.

Flub #3: The Drama Queen
When a friend turns just about everything into cause for running to the girls’ restroom, friendship stops being fun and turns into reality TV. Breaking up/getting back together becomes a habit, edging out normal friend things.

How to fix it: Guide your daughter in choosing her battles. Laugh with her over the small stuff. Teach her to get all the facts before she reacts to a situation. (And check out your own flair for the dramatic). If she has a drama queen friend, advise her to tell Soap Opera Girl how she feels about her performances in a kind way – when she’s not in the middle of a crisis.

Flub #4: The Green-Eyed Monster
One friend experiences that pinched feeling when her BFF gets or does something better – and thinks she deserves it more than her friend. Resentment and guilt erupt into talking trash or pulling back to avoid issues. The fun of celebrating together is out of the question.

How to fix it: If you have a jealous daughter, nudge her to confess her jealousy to you and don’t judge her. Help her see what is very-cool about her and to turn her envy of her friend into compliments. If she has a jealous BFF, encourage her to play up her friend’s strong points without smothering her own. (And observe yourself next time one of your friends outdoes you . . .)

Flub #5: Cloning
One friend copies the other down to the fingernail polish and gets mad when her BFF doesn’t want to be conjoined twins. Frustration builds. Other friendships and activities are excluded. The clone-ee feels like she’s suffocating.

How to fix it: If your daughter is a cloner, help her see she doesn’t have to be by praising her one-of-a-kind-ness. If she’s feeling smothered by a friend, advise her to tell her BFF that she enjoys their differences. Encourage her to make time for her friend, but not limit herself to that one friendship. (Then be mindful of how much you value your own individuality – and your daughter’s differences from you)

Flub #6: Worthless Words
Friends use words that do no good: broken promises; revealed secrets; constant complaining; exaggerations; harsh teasing. Worthless words break trust, cut off communication, turn sweet girlfriends into little shrews.

How to fix it: Talk through why words hurt so much. Use specific examples you may have heard your daughter use or endure with her BFF. Encourage her to have the same talk with her friend, even making a written pledge with the BFF to stop gossiping or to keep promises. (Listen to yourself, too. How much are your words worth?)

You can be your daughter’s ally on this journey through her first relationship outside the family, with people who don’t have to love her. Your best tools are your wisdom, your love – and the model you give her 24/7.

Award-winning author Nancy Rue has written 105 books for teens and preteens and is a frequent contributor to magazines such as Focus on the Family, Brio, Breakaway, Clubhouse, Christian Living for Teens, Youth Teacher and Counselor, Career World and Woman’s World. Versed in the issues facing today’s young women, Rue serves as the primary voice of the Faithgirlz!™ line from Zonderkidz. She has authored four non-fiction titles in the series to help girls “get real” on things like overcoming insecurities of puberty, mean girls and boy troubles, while maintaining a meaningful relationship with God. The newest installments of the series, Girl Politics: Friends, Cliques and Really Mean Chicks and Body Talk. She resides with her husband near Nashville, Tenn. where she serves as a lector and Eucharistic minister at her local Episcopal Church and is an active member of the Nashville Women's Breakfast Club. Visit www.nancyrue.com and www.faithgirlz.com for more information.