Some children seem too powerful from infancy. Although they are fed, "watered", and loved, they're not contented. Some parents tell me, by the age of two, their children are controlling them, and they find themselves yelling, screaming, and acting in irrational ways that they never envisioned for parenthood. These children have somehow discovered that they are in charge of their caretakers; they have a premature and very severe case of adult power. However, there is great hope when this problem is discovered early. You can and must take charge.

The use of time-out can be a very effective punishment for powerful children. Here are the rules for time-out that really work. Notice also what parents tend to do wrong. My radio listeners and clients assure me that these rules have permitted them to take charge again.

RECIPE FOR SUCCESSFUL TIME-OUTS*
(FOLLOW EXACTLY)

1. One adult should tell the child briefly that the consequence for naughty behaviors will be to stay in his/her room for ten minutes of quiet (as determined by a timer) with the door closed. The naughty behaviors should be specified. Don't select all, just the worst (e.g., hitting, temper tantrums).
   
2. If the child is likely to open the door when it's closed, arrange it so the door can be locked from the outside (some parents loop the end of a rope around the doorknob of the child's room and loop the other end around the knob of an adjacent room). For most powerful children, some kind of lock is initially required.
   
3. Every time the child misbehaves in the stated way, the child should be escorted to the room without the parent losing his/her temper and with only a sentence of explanation.
   
   
4. If the child slams the door, loses his or her temper, bangs on walls, throws toys, screams, shouts, or talks, there should be absolutely no response from anyone. Expect the first few times to be terrible. Set the timer only when the child is quiet.
   
5. After ten minutes, open the door to permit the child to leave. There should be no further explanation, apology, warning, or discussion of love. Act as if nothing unusual has happened. DON'T HUG! Repeat as necessary.
   

After one week, only a warning of the closed door should be necessary to prevent the undesirable behavior. Give only one warning. ALWAYS follow through.

Some readers will say, "I've tried time-out. It just doesn't work." It's really true that most parents have tried time-out in one form or another, but hardly ever do they follow the exact instructions. Some mistakes that parents make in using time-out follow:

1. When children time themselves out, they often slam the door. Parents respond by telling them not to slam the door. The children thus realize they have power over their parents, and they continue to slam the door.
   
2. Sometimes when the children call out and ask how much more time they have, the parents will make the mistake of talking to or actually arguing with them. The conversation cancels the effect of withdrawn attention.
   
3. Some parents are hesitant about locking the door and will hold it closed or not even close it at all. If the parent holds the door, the child knows that the parent is holding it and, thus, the power struggle continues. If it is not closed at all, the child walks in and out proving that the parent is not in control.
   
4. Sometimes after children have thrown things around their room, parents insist that they go back to pick up what they have thrown around. Another power struggle ensues, in which case, children take charge of the parent by argument again.
   
5. Sometimes parents use time-out only after they've yelled and screamed and lost their temper. That's too late. It has to be executed calmly, as if parents are in charge.
   

These tips will help you with your powerful children. As they learn to respect you and be guided by you, you'll find that you'll not need locks or anger. They will accept your limits most of the time.

While absolutely firm limits must be set with powerful children, time-out is not enough to redirect these children's energy and power. Positive relationships with adults, engagement in strong interests, and challenging independent activities are helpful in detouring their energies from constantly pushing limits to developing positive, constructive self-images.

*How To Parent So Children Will Learn (Rimm, 1990).