Encourage Our Kids to Dream: Add a Healthy Dose of Resiliency

From the moment each of my children were born, I began to see the possibilities of their future. As they began to grow and develop their unique talents and personalities I focused on nurturing their dreams. “Anything is possible for you” became a prominent theme in our home and they each seemed to flourish as a result.

As the years passed and they approached their preteen and teenage years, circumstances had changed dramatically in our lives. My daughters were no longer living in a two-parent home. Their father had made choices that made it unhealthy for him to live with our kids and myself. My dream of being a happily married, stay at home mom had all but disappeared. The hopes and dreams that I had for each of my daughters’ futures were slipping away and I began to wrestle with my newest and by far, most challenging parenting dilemma to date. How much do I encourage their highest dreams? Or do I protect them from the horrific disappointments that often come with experience. Where do I find the balance between teaching them to believe they can have it all and giving them a healthy inner caution that one rarely does actually have everything they want.

We encourage our kids to dream….to reach for the stars and to reach their full potential. Many parents judge their success as a parent by what their kids accomplish when they become adults. I do wonder now if this is really the wisest course. How do we raise our kids to want more and to be more, and at the same time help them to learn a healthy sense of caution when it comes to achieving their dreams?

People will disappoint them, often the people they are closest to and who are supposed to be the most dependable. Life is unpredictable and will throw them unimaginably difficult and sometimes devastating curve balls. Luck will not always be on their side and their talents and gifts will not always get them to their goal. Life simply isn’t that fair.

I think I found the answer. It comes in a shift from raising kids with a focus on achieving dreams, goals and potential to instead a real emphasis on resilience. Nurturing this trait in them would truly be the wisest path to protecting them from possible devastation when life simply doesn’t always work out as we hope.

A resilient child, and someday, adult will still be able to reach for the stars and work toward their goals, but they may be a little more prepared should the unexpected happen.  Parenting expert Michele Borba says that raising a resilient child is crucial for life long success. There is no set formula that can guarantee our kids will achieve their potential, but we can effectively prepare them for the bumps, big or small, along the road. The key is in building strong self-esteem and a sense of identity. Here are five tips from Dr. Michele Borba, author of No More Misbehavin; 38 Bad Behaviors and How to Stop Them.

1. Nurture her nature.
Find a way to help this child see the wonder in herself. Take a moment to
really think about your child’s strengths. During the next few days list
them. Here are a few: artistic, musical, kind, honest, reliable, graceful,
organized, friendly, positive, sensitive, courageous. My girlfriend decided
to keep an ongoing profile of each of her children’s strengths. The leather
journal is now a fabulous family keepsake.

2. Praise the inside, not the outside.
The inside contains traits you can’t photograph. These are qualities that last a
lifetime such as spiritual values and a kind heart.  Choose one or two attributes you want your child to recognize about himself right away. Let your child know how proud you are of them for possessing
these strengths.

3. Teach bounce-back skills
It is important to succeed and fail. Everybody makes mistakes. A child with
low self-esteem sees himself as a failure while a child with high self-esteem sees the event as a failure.

4. Teach positive self-talk
Help your child learn a positive refrain. When they call themselves stupid
or dumb for losing a game, help them learn another way to cope. “I’m doing
the best I can,” is a much better alternative.

5. Healthy living does increase self-esteem
It’s a natural endorphin. We know that getting sun, eating well, and getting
enough exercise and sleep impacts our moods. Feeling successful, feeling
hopeful and making positive changes in your life are some of the best
self-esteem boosters you can have.

I am much more cautious about my dreams and a little more cynical perhaps about my own future. However that skepticism doesn’t have to spill over on to my girls. Through the powers of resiliency they will reach for the sky and not be devastated when they find their feet still squarely planted on the ground.

Anne Leedom is the Founder of www.parentingbookmark.com and www.netconnectpublicity.com. She lives in Northern California with her two daughters.